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Feb 20, 2003 to Feb 6, 2013

Master Plan Planning Master


“My name is Dorman D. Dorsinc. I have been appointed by the Vermont Legislature as the new Master Plan Planning Master for the State of Vermont. My planning qualifications include a PhD in Early Childhood Recidivism. My thesis was entitled: Born in Diapers – Die in Diapers – What Happens In Between? I am here in Brattleboro today at the request of the Vermont League of Uninformed Voters to mandate a new master plan planning master mandate mandating the residents of Brattleboro to support, fund, and implement by June 30, 2013.”

“It has come to my inattention that two Brattleboro Selectboard members unilaterally decided to locate a new skateboard park on the Crowell Lot that borders the Green Street School. As the Master Plan Planning Planner for the entire state, which unfortunately includes the Banana Republic of Brattleboro, I looked at the skate park site using Google Maps from my office in Montpelier and made the unilateral decision, like two of your Selectboard members, that a new master plan mandate was required.”

“At the end of my presentation questions will be allowed, however, my answers may not be forthcoming or truthful. It is very important for me to listen to your input. Your feedback is critical to my master plan planning plan mandate provided you present your thoughts to me in a respectful tone whether or not I respect you. I am asking for your input to make you feel better about yourself and nothing more. In all honesty, I could care less what you think because within Brattleboro town government defending the confusion of your permitting process always takes precedence over what your residents want who pay the town’s bills.”

“The planning standard set by the Putney Road Master Plan Planning Plan presented to potential pedestrian victims on March 7 in the Municipal Center is about the mobility and safety of residents when drivers lose control at the Putney Road stop lights that will only cost fifteen million dollars to remedy. The Putney Road Master Plan Planning Plan is so incredibly intelligent that the same Master Plan Planning Plan is now planned for the Union Hill intersection on Western Avenue. Unlike your Representative Town Meeting, please pay attention. I’m not paid to repeat myself because of your inability to listen.”

“The Traffic Control Master Plan Planning Plan for the Union Hill intersection will include four new roundabouts with a sixteen foot wide elevated sidewalk extending from the skate park to the Creamery Bridge. The first roundabout will be located at the intersection of Western Avenue, Cedar Street, and Union Hill. The second roundabout will be constructed at the intersection of Union Hill and Beech Street. The third roundabout will be located at the intersection of Union Hill, Elliot Street, Williams Street, and Frost Street. The fourth roundabout will be situated at the intersection of Beech Street and Elliot Street. This project will require the removal of one hundred twenty-five homes. Because of all the subsidized housing in Brattleboro that pays no property taxes, the impact on the grand list will be profound. Thinking outside the box, you should ask your legislators to push for a local one cent gas tax to offset the reduction in your grand list.”

“Why construct all of these roundabouts in such close proximity to each other? According to the remaining two students at Vermont Law School majoring in environmental jingoism, these four roundabouts will save millions of gallons of gasoline that the Brattleboro Police Department can use to ticket drivers who do not use their directionals in your roundabouts providing much needed revenue to your town coughers. Furthermore, the roundabouts will provide easier access for Rescue Inc to respond to the skateboard park in the unfortunate circumstance of an accidental broken toenail.”

“How do you pay for all of this new infrastructure? You will receive no financial assistance from either the federal government which is broke or the State of Vermont which is still trying to pay off the long term spending binge of former Governor Madeline Kunin. While sitting in my office in Montpelier looking at Google Maps, I also made the unilateral decision, like two of your former Selectboard members, to create a special tax district along Orchard Street. Why Orchard Street? There are lots and lots of nice homes in that neighborhood whose owners should pay for these town infrastructure improvements. According to President Obama, the successful in our country have two obligations in life. First, they must apologize for their success, and second, they must share their success with those unmotivated to work for living. If the successful refuse to share, then their chances of being invited to the White House to meet Beyonce will never happen.”

“We are out of time so I will not be answering any of your questions. As the Master Plan Planning Master for all of Vermont, my state limo and driver are waiting. I must return for a cocktail party in Montpelier at the Statehouse to honor a former Trustificarian Legislator from Brattleboro who tried for decades to tax the possession of plastic bags. She is my intellectual hero.”

“I’ll be in touch with my mandates.”

RLElkins

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Monumental Momentum

Inter Office Memo
From: Division of Monoliths, Obelisks, and Cairns
To: Manager of Master Plan Planning Management

It has come to our attention that the recently approved skatepark is sited at the site of the Molly Stark Obelisk. Such a structure invokes each of the four cardinal directions. A monolith, in contrast, places emphasis on just two sides.

Apropos of the distinction, our office has been receiving a steady stream of complaints, the gist of which suggests there is but two sides to this issue- a pro and con, so to speak. It is further suggested that the polarization has become monolithic. Opponents claim denigration and disregard is intentional. Proponents just want to skate.

We in this department are sensitive to, yet take exception to any such association taking root, and wish to draw attention to the Molly Stark Obelisk as a model for illustrating the stages of development in this now approved location. This monument employs the solidity of the square and reaches up to a single point of unity above, rising from the ground up to a common place of resolution.

The quadrangular journey can be visualize in this way: what started innocently and proceeded incrementally, took a turn towards solidifying in time and place, as naysayers increasingly took aim against. And now the story of the fourth side is being written, the squaring of the form, returning to the beginning.

PLEASE BE ADVISED that our office has been instructed to tell the people of Brattleboro, if they can not and do not cease and desist this bickering, and advance the effort to enhance the park, our office will have no recourse other than to switch the Molly Stark Obelisk out, and replace her with the Molly Stark Monolith, and that at considerable taxpayer expense.

Furthermore, opponents should quit trying to make it seem skaters don't have a cairn in the world now, whereas the truth is far from that. Fundraising for the skatepark, already daunting, is made harder by the dissonance. A process that was iterative and complicated is being portrayed as corrupt. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, the target users group, skaters and scooters of all ages, still find their activity illegal in town.

The Molly Stark Obelisk shows that diverse sides can come together, let that be a marker to keep the way.

 

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