Rumors

“My name is Dorman D. Dorsinc. I have been appointed by the Vermont Legislature as the new Master Plan Planning Master for the State of Vermont. My planning qualifications include a PhD in Early Childhood Recidivism. My thesis was entitled: Born in Diapers – Die in Diapers – What Happens In Between? I am here in Brattleboro today at the request of the Vermont League of Uninformed Voters to mandate a new master plan planning master mandate mandating the residents of Brattleboro to support, fund, and implement by June 30, 2013.”

Evolution

The Brattleboro Tyrannosaurus Spenditall Rex is descended from the order Artiodactyla, the even-toed ungulates. Often times they are referred to by taxpayers as Ovis Aries. For many years they have had a deep and entrenched place in Brattleboro history as they live their lives leisurely gazing on the hillsides they can not afford to own counting other people’s money. As a species on the verge of fiscal extinction, Tyrannosaurus Spenditalls have minimal hearing and are very sensitive to noise when they are told to herd together and be quiet. They tend to be very docile but become excited when appropriating money they do not have. Their life expectancy varies, however, some Tyrannosaurus Spenditalls want older Tyrannosaurus Spenditalls to voluntarily check out early to free up more single payer health care funds for all of the precious young Tyrannosaurus Spenditalls in Vermont who are unemployable and beyond useless.

“Thank you for this meeting. It’s a rare opportunity to confer with someone who specializes in contagions. The conversation we are about to have must remain confidential. My concern is that within the next few years Brattleboro may be on the verge of experiencing an STD pandemic that is rapidly dispersing itself throughout the United States and is headed straight for our town.”

“What is it about this particular strain of STD that in your observations makes it so virulent?”

“Three things are troublesome; the complacency of residents regarding the emotional and personal impact of this STD; the unimaginable intrusiveness of this STD into their physical life; and the motivation of some malcontents to promote the STD as good for the community.”

“10-86 this is Dispatch. Where are you?”

"We are working the once per year Code 18 in West Brattleboro across from Gilles Seafood Restaurant. We have two unmarked vehicles parked nose to nose in the center lane with a police cruiser behind each vehicle with lights flashing. When passing traffic slows down to rubber neck at the phony accident scene we look at their inspection sticker, license plate registration sticker, and seat belts. If we see an infraction we ticket them. We are also testing our new ALPR toys compliments of Homeland Security.”

“How is the automatic license plate reader working?”